What Brought on Your Marriage Problems?

Are you puzzled about what created your marriage problems?

National statistics quote many things such as money, communication, sex, etc. While those things can contribute to marriage problems, research is showing that couples who report being happily married readily admit that some of their differences have not been resolved.

 

Happily, just having differences is not what leads to divorce. Actually, being quite different from one another can strengthen your marriage as one of you may have strength in an area where the other is not strong.

 

Dr. John Gottman, and others who have studied, worked with and done research with couples for many years, have come up with a less complicated idea.

 

Remember way back when you actually craved and loved spending time together. It really didn’t matter that much what you were doing, you just enjoyed spending time together. You just loved to share anything and everything and listen to one another.

 

How often are you doing that anymore? As happens with all couples you’ve come to the realization that your spouse is not perfect after all. (Smile)

 

Maybe you are struggling to recognize that you are not perfect either. If at this point, you begin to accept that reality and go toward what I call the live and let live attitude, it makes all the difference. In other words, learning to accept that you are both flawed, imperfect human beings who need to make allowances for one another, it can change everything.

 

It is very easy to blame each another, even accuse each another of changing and not being the person they used to be. However, when you first met you were making your best efforts to be there for each other.

How much of that are you doing now for each other now?

 

Do you make a real effort to tune into what your spouse is feeling or needs? Do you know each other’s needs and desires? Do you know each other’s Love Languages?

 

Have you shared with your spouse the things you really appreciate about each other? Do you know what your spouse finds comforting and loving?

 

If you look up The Five Love Languages book and quiz online, you will be surprised at what you learn both about yourself and your spouse.

 

Did you know that most people, until they have studied love languages, just use their own love language and assume it is a fit for their loved one without checking it out?

 

If you would like to see a chart and a cheat sheet on what to focus on and what to avoid, let me know and I will be glad to send a copy to assist you in your search for making your marriage a source of love, enjoyment, support, and fulfillment.

 

When you begin to invest in your marriage, it will make a difference.

What is investing in your marriage? It is actually making the effort to begin to understand each other. Too many couples stop spending time together when the honeymoon stage is over.

 

Especially when you are really seeking to be successful in your job, or have had your first child and everything has changed. Couples actually have to calendar plan at those stages in order to specifically have date times and fun together as a couple.

 

While the couple time is vital to keep your marriage fresh and enjoyable, it is also important that each of you still nurture and take good care of yourselves through exercise, hobbies, friendships with peers that are on the same track and honoring the commitment.

 

Taking care of yourself is healthy and you will have more to give your spouse and your family as you do so.

 

So part of the problem today is that you are no longer taking time to nurture your marriage. Just like not taking time to nurture the plants in your household or garden, things begin to get cold and distant between you, so neither of you feel cared about at all.

 

Those are dangerous times in your relationship. Someone you meet at work or elsewhere who shows interest in what you like to talk about becomes just naturally very attractive because it is normal to desire connection and desire being valued and important in someone’s life.

 

My recommendation for the couples I work with is that they begin taking turns planning fun for them as a couple. Also, you could begin to go to a marriage friendly counselor, coach or therapist to gain an outside perspective on your difficulties.

 

Another recommendation is that you have at least 5 – 20 minutes or more where you just connect and listen to one another. Too many couples just have drive-by conversations in the hallway as they pass one another going to or from work or activities.

 

If you have a faith that is a comfort to you, that can really help as well. I also strongly recommend some retreats where you can gain at least a few months of counseling in one weekend.

 

Train your children that this is grown up talk time or Dad and Mom talk time. I suggest you try to add humor by introducing the idea and making a sign for the door or the corner of a room that say’s Do Not Disturb unless the house is on fire or there is lots of blood!

 

Put value on spending time together enjoying one another and having fun again! Spending more time together, even if awkward at first will help you both feel closer to each other as you remember some of those things you fell in love with years ago! You, Your Family and Your Marriage are worth your efforts!

Obviously, I see myself as a marriage friendly coach/counselor/therapist.

I see my clients in person in my Castle Rock, Colorado, office, but also do work with couples on the phone or internet all over the country as needed.

Please check out my website https://HowToDivorceProofYourMarriage.com or write me at WaverlyRelationshipCoach@gmail.com.