How To Fix A Marriage Without Counseling

You have probably been advised to see a counselor, coach or a therapist if you are currently working on fixing your marriage. Even though counseling can be beneficial, it is possible to reconnect with your spouse and to fix a marriage without counseling.

Find new ways to create kind and respectful speaking and listening skills

There are, of course, many ways to find relationship tips without counseling. One of those ways is to read articles in magazines, books or on the internet or go to marriage seminars or retreats or classes.

Unless you are one of those very unusual couples who had great models for speaking and listening through your own parent’s marriage, you probably have no idea of where to begin.

I will be sharing some relationship tips in this articles to help in saving your marriage. Right now, saving your marriage may seem impossible as it has become a broken marriage which you never thought would happen to you when you married.

Since I happen to work with hundreds of couples, of course, I believe marriage counseling can speed up this process for you, but you can definitely accomplish much if you are willing to make the effort it takes.

If you have gone through a marriage crisis or you or your spouse has become dissatisfied with your marriage, chances are you may not know how to communicate respectfully or well with your spouse.

First it is so very important that you both realize there is the need for creating a safe environment where you both can express your feelings and listen to one another.

This might not be easy if you have had a lot of fights with your spouse or simply never really opened up to him or her.  It will be very difficult to fix your marriage and make things work again until you learn to really respectfully and kindly communicate with your spouse.

Some will advise you to figure out what went wrong.

While that could be helpful at some point, however, when a couple isn’t doing well, that process can easily lead to you both playing The Blame Game which never works. While is true that you might be able to identify some obvious issues, such as one of the spouses being inappropriate or fighting a lot or using the silent treatment on one another.  However, these issues are likely the symptoms of deeper problems.

Reflecting on your marriage and trying to figure out why your marriage isn’t working out is very important. You or your spouse might also have some personal issues that are affecting the relationship or hindering your fulfillment in the marriage.

Instead please do a careful inventory on yourself and your part in the marriage.

After over 25 years in working with couples, I’ve found this is a much more effective way to actually begin the healing process. When each person takes responsibility for their own part,The Blame Game can be bypassed.

Here is what I mean. As long as either of you keep pushing the responsibility on the problem on your spouse, nothing will get solved. An example is when one person becomes angry and does or says something very mean or damaging but then excuses themselves for their temper tantrum or unacceptable behavior by saying basically, You made me do it because you did_____.  In other words, My bad behavior is all your fault because you upset me.

I see couples regularly needing to bypass this bad game because it is not successful in fixing or saving your marriage at all. It is so easy for all of us humans to want absolution (or forgiveness, understanding and mercy) for our part but insist on being the hard judge meting out punishment for the other spouse or the one being blamed.

Once each of you take responsibility for your part in the broken marriage, there is a lot of hope for moving ahead. That way each one of you can discover ways of changing your behaviors that have contributed to your broken marriage.

Figure Out What You Can Do To Fix Things

Please find concrete things you can do toward saving your marriage which has become a broken marriage and begin building a new relationship with your spouse. This might include finding new activities you can share as a family, scheduling some time to sit down and talk with your spouse so you can feel more connected or working on some common goals.

Keep the big picture in mind but remember that even small gestures and simple words can make a difference and help you rebuild your relationship.

Many people find that they are way too close to their own situation to be objective. Having input from others in marriage classes, retreats or even hearing about the experiences of other couples with strong marriages can help you learn some practical skills to rebuild or fix your marriage without counseling

Please be patient with yourselves and with each other as you’re practicing.

Rebuilding a marriage after a crisis takes time. It might take time for you or your spouse to forgive the other and you might actually benefit from giving each other some space and dating one another again while you are rebuilding!

This rebuilding process will take time and you might feel that you are not making any progress or that you are going back to your old unhealthy habits and patterns. Do not give up even if you feel that things are not progressing like you would like them to be. Regardless of what happens, it is important to stay connected to your spouse and to talk about everything you go through.

You can save your broken marriage without counseling as long as you are willing to learn additional skills from other sources.  No one comes into a marriage with all the skills and knowledge needed to get it all together immediately.  Part of this learning may involve learning how you can really have a discussion about your marriage without fighting. Going through these hard times together can make your marriage stronger and provide you with the tools you will need to prevent another crisis in the future and to build a healthy relationship.

It is entirely possible for you to fix a marriage without counseling. However, two reasons why you may want to consider adding on counseling or coaching as well.

You will not have to do so much searching on your own for information that is a fit for you as a couple but you can also enhance your counseling experience if you decide to add on some classes and/or live groups.

The bigger reason I have found is that by the time things have deteriorated in your marriage, you both naturally are pretty upset and that stress and being in the middle of big problems impact your ability to function in a calmer way with one another. It seems that most good counselors can be that outside expert that can give helpful information and have it accepted with less resistance than if you are trying to work alone in isolation on your marriage relationship.

Please remember that if things aren’t coming together for you as quickly as you would like don’t hesitate to seek for professional help from a marriage friendly counselor, coach or therapist with a great success record if needed.  Normally, you will make progress in your relationship much more quickly with outside help.

If you would prefer, you can always check out the helps I have available on my website to begin saving your marriage.

Also you may want to look at the 1 Minute Marriage/Relationship Quiz also.

Feel free to email me if you have further questions.

See both on my website:   Questions: please email me at